Maya has always been a stubborn little bee. She refused to come out when my water broke. She also needed that vacuum to help her come out. I was literally on the verge of a C-Section when Maya finally decided to pop out into the world.
From the moment she was born, she never stopped crying. She cried, and cried, and cried. There were many a nights where all B and I could do was hold each other.
With each new milestone, Maya has fought us. It was so frustrating at times. Even as young as 10 months old, Maya knew what she wanted. She could throw a tantrum for hours..and hold a pretty mean grudge. We tried the distraction method, and that didn't work at all. She just wouldn't let go of what she wanted.
When Maya turned 2, there were a lot of changes going on. First of all, she had a new sister, a big girl bed, no diapers anymore, and preschool. It was a daily struggle. 5-6 times a day, Maya would throw a tantrum. She rarely smiled and she always seemed to be angry. B and I just didn't know what to do. It felt like we were putting her in time out constantly. I felt like I was losing my little angel.
I decided to do some research and reflecting. Just like in the classroom, I am a teacher to Maya. I realized some key things that have changed our lives.
1. You can't expect a child to do something he/she does not know how to do.
-Up until this point, Maya used crying to get what she wanted. Now that she was beginning to talk and form sentences, she needed to learn how to use words to navigate the world. When Maya would have a meltdown, we stopped punishing her for her outbursts. We taught her to calm down and that anger was okay. We worked with her on positive ways to display anger. Each time she started to whine or cry, we told her, "Use words. Mommy and daddy can't help you unless you help us to understand by using words." We praised her each time she used words to communicate what she wanted and we held our ground by not giving her what she wanted till she used words.
2. Children need a lot of tough love.
-We learned that we had to be even more stubborn that Maya. Even though it was driving us nuts, we had to hold our ground and be consistent. No matter how crazy things got, we had to keep our cool. Sometimes we also had to let Maya suffer the natural consequences of her actions.
3. Children need consistency.
-All the adults in our house really had to get on the same page. We all had to have a common understanding of what was expected of Maya. If not, Maya would play the game. She had to see us adults as a team.
4. Blame the choice, not the child.
-No matter how crazy things got, I wanted Maya to know that she was a good girl and an awesome person. In the heat of the moment, it's so easy to say, "Bad girl." But, we tried really hard to focus on her choices, not her character.
5. Teach children to be thinkers.
-My first reaction was to punish, but I realized all I was doing was teaching Maya to fear me. We didn't want that. I read "Teaching with Love & Logic" and tried to incorporate the strategies with Maya. I wanted Maya to learn how to analyze cause and effect. We wanted Maya to understand WHY we wanted to her to do or not to do certain things. It was frustrating at times and time consuming, but we took our time to explain things to her. We even showed her why. Sometimes again, we even let her experience the natural consequences of her actions. If she made a mess, she needed to clean it. If she had toys, she needed to put them away or we took them away.
And just like that, one day, my little pal emerged from the chaos of the terrible two's. Maya woke up one day with a smile on her face and the understanding of her new found powers. She understands rules and that all the adults in the house will not budge on the rules. She also understands that if she follows the rules, she'll get what she wants and she'll be a lot happier. We're able to reason with her. When she's upset, she'll tell me she's angry, look away, and take a time out. When she's ready she comes back to me and that's when we have a talk. When Maya is frustrated, I hug her and say I understand.
I am amazed by Maya. It is a joy to watch this littler person emerge. I am in awe of how quirky, unique, and individualistic a 2 year old can be. I can have conversations with her and we laugh together. We pray together. But, it's Maya's HUGE HEART that takes my breath away. When I am sad, hurt, or when I make a "boo-boo", she's right there asking me, "Are you okay Mommy?" and gives me a hug and kiss. When she had a little shee-shee toilet accident, she said, "Thanx Mommy," while I was cleaning her up. When she makes a negative choice, I ask, "Maya, would you like it if someone did that to you, too?" Maya says no and apologizes. Sometimes, she'll be a little stubborn, but again, I've learned to give her space and come back to the issue at hand.
I know that there are many more "adventures" to come. Maya's got a lot of HEART or KOKORO in Japanese. We need to continue to guide her in using her HIROI KOKORO to help her shine like the bright STAR that she is! Hopefully one day she'll join Daddy's Gracie Jiu-jitsu team at Team HK-HIROI KOKORO!
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